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Another Heart Does Ache


tears2

With great care did I collect all the pearls of my dreams; with great aspirations did I polish them bright. Each breath of his made me alive. His happiness was the reason I lived. For years did I live for one reason… and then I was gone.

His innocent smile still rejuvenates my heart. His tears… well, they do moisten my heart but somewhere deep inside they foster a sense of relief… A relief that he is still my own. Oh time! You are way too cruel. You walk at your own pace. Traitor! You did rush around when he was here… didn’t you? And now when he is gone, you don’t seem to move at all! There was a time when I was happy running around the whole day… remember? And now my life has been so stagnant that it is eating me up.

“What do you do all day? Once dad has gone off to work, you stick to the TV… don’t you?”

Yes, my dear, I did stick to the TV all day. And magically does the havoc that you create each morning does restore back to peace. And the food that you demand – claiming full right – each day after you come back; that food is magically prepared by angels, right? Stupid! And why should I explain this to you now? Now you know it better. How long does it take to wash the clothes dear?

But… you know… in a sense you are right for my current situation. There is no one who creates havoc in the house each day. The sofa covers remain unwrinkled for ages. The same food is eaten for days. There is no one to scream to for not having lunch in time. Basically there is nothing to do.

So you know what do I do? I remain in illusion each day. After your dad leaves for the day, I imagine that you too have left for school. I wait for you. Each day, the clock ticks 2:30, I go out to see you coming; chatting with your friends. The school bus leaves, many children come back laughing and giggling. But you are not among them. Then I calculate the number of days left for your arrival. Unfortunately they are not days… they are months… sometimes a whole year. Well at least they say it so. For me, it seems to be ages. All blames on the bloody time. It doesn’t move at all. And then I sit back and cry sometimes… well most of the times. And then rush up and down the house doing nothing. Like a ghost in a haunted house.

And then in the evening when your dad comes back from work, we ask each other if you called. Mostly you don’t. “He must have been busy”. Then we again talk about you. What else can we talk about? I don’t understand his work. Then we mutually decide on a time to call you, or wait for your call. “He might have just returned.” “He might be sleeping.” “Today is Monday, he has a busy schedule on Mondays.” “Don’t call now! He might be in the canteen.”

And then, suddenly the phone rings. And then for a few minutes do we live. We live our whole day in a few minutes. And thus does rejoice our hearts. We laugh at your jokes, smile at your memories, cry at your loss and scold you for you nuisances. And hence thoughts, and thoughts alone do remain and hence ends our day; probably an era of living without you.

I know you have gone to reach the stars, to fulfill your dreams. But what can one do when the reason to live has gone away? One goes along with him. So here am I living a dual identity. Well… single to be precise… The only identity I have is with you. When your wounds bleed, so does my heart. When you cry, another heart does ache.

Looking Back in the Flow of Time


time-warp

Well this post marks the approximate anniversary of my blog (1 year and 15 days to be precise). And as on this day I look back in time, I have to admit, it has been a long time… I remember the day when I wrote the first post “The Mound of the Dead“, I had no idea that this blog will last so long. All I had in mind was a set of posts on the then recent Gujarat tour that one of my friends Subhradeep and myself had just completed. Thanks to his superb camera and brilliant photography skills I was able to add some gibberish of my own and bring out a ‘something’.

I was convinced that that blog won’t live for long. Reasons… Firstly I had no idea what to write… and secondly I had no idea that a physics student can write something which the ‘general people’ could read. No seriously… sometimes we ourselves are amused by the amount of ‘Dirac Deltas’, ‘Considers’, ‘If…then…else’ that have entered into our colloquial conversations. So I was convinced that writing was not my cup of tea.

That was a day… And this is another day. I never thought that I would make ‘friends’ with people across the globe. (And yes, my friends are jealous about it). Now wordpress has become more of a coffee house to me unknown people meet and become so close to heart that their problems seem to be our own. I can’t help but name some of the most amazing people I met in this virtual world. These will surely remain one of my dearest friends even beyond the blog…

Dietlind Wagner… The first one to comment on the blog and an amazing artist who lives in her wonderful little world of puppets.

White Pearl… My first friend from our neighbour from from the west ;). Amazing, cute, wonderful yet confused personality and a brilliant writer. She claim to be as worthless as a grain of sand, but names herself ‘White Pearl’. See I told you… confused personality. (Sorry Sister :P)

Maria Imran… Amazing writer, amazing poet and amazing artist. Currently appointed as my Urdu teacher ;).

Mekala Rodrigo… Brilliant photographer and my travel guide (in future)…

Sharmishtha Basu… With her short poems which go straight to the core of the heart.

And the list could continue but the clock is ticking past. And I have to rush to catch a bus.

The journey till now has been great
What about the future? We have to wait…

Thank you my readers for being with me and thank you WordPress for letting me me meet these amazing people friends.

Sharodiya Shubhechha (Autumnal Greetings) to all of you… 🙂


Threads...

In these threads of silk are wound
Emotions deep; promises profound
Immortal love – selfless and blind
Hope and belief, so hard to find

Drenched in memories, these threads do say
The tales of celebrations; joy and dismay
Those relentless quarrels, the unending talks
The mischievous pranks and never-ending walks
The smile that hides thousands of words
The same old jokes and the games absurd

These strings do fight a battle with time
To preserve these memories in form of a rhyme
Patiently they wait, as they wait for long
Carrying priceless memories and a belief strong
Years do pass, but the hope does persist
That one day they would adorn a brother’s wrist.

One with the target you do become


Image

 

How does it feel, on a long unending trail

Or in a voyage with oceans to sail?

With so much to see, so much to adore

Having moments countable, but much to explore

 

The destination is beautiful, as in your dreams

With lakes and gardens, and countless streams

With birds and butterflies flying around

A place where joy is eternal and  unbound 

 

The only constraint which remains is time

Travelling too fast, way too sublime

Challenging your limits and your might

Shadowing your mind and filling it with fright

 

The path once taken cannot be retraced

You cannot give up once challenges are faced

You are free not to to choose the trail

But if once taken, you simply can’t fail

 

Wait for a moment and out you race

Trying to beat time with your pace

Maybe you fall, but quickly you do rise

You have a bleeding knee, but you never realise

A goal so enchanting that the pain disapears

You care no threats, dangers or fears

Emotions don’t slow down your pace

Mind is steady and undeterred does it race

 

Slowly the thoughts of beauty and pleasure

Are no longer the things you really treasure

Heart doesn’t fear if at all does it fail

Nor does it think of the beauty of the trail

When selfless, it thinks of nothing but the goal

Focused is your mind, body and soul

 

And suddenly the trail seems no long

The journey eases and flows as a song

A moment passes and the target is reached

A strong fortress seems easily breached

 

Aim the target, and target alone

Not the pleasures for which it is known

Victory will then await as you come

And one with the target you do become

Off to the Lowlands!


Sunsets_wallpapers_252

I am shocked; terribly shocked! I know, I was not expected to be so, but this factor just seemed to slip off my mind. Living in a tropical country like India, one merely gets the feeling of the days getting longer in the summers and shorter in the winters. However yesterday I incidentally had a look on the sunrise and sunset times in Netherlands and I was astonished. “How on earth can sun set at 10:00 PM at a place?” was the reaction. I am still unable to digest the fact that this can happen. Now you may call me stupid as I knew (since ages) that the poles have 6 months each of day and night; and this ‘change’ should not happen suddenly; but ya…my brain didn’t take that into account somehow. (By the way, now I can appreciate why Norway is called ‘the land of midnight sun’ 🙂 )

Anyways, I am off to Netherlands in a couple of days for a summer internship (for two months). So, most probably, next post will be from the land of men who conquered the sea. The budget is extremely tight but let us see what is in store there… Lots of work I guess…

Any suggestions for a first time abroad visitor?

The Days of Competition…


competition

Halfway through through my undergraduate days, I look back in time to ponder over the times which passed by. Memories come flooding into my mind – but the ones of which I think the most, are those which had no no time to think. The two years which I believe every science student in India has experienced – The Last Two Years of Schooling. So here is what comes to my mind when I think of the two years…
———————————————————————————————————————-
Time: 4:30 AM
Alarm Beeping… Sudden Realisation – “I overslept for 30 minutes… Oh no!”
Looking at the heap of books… Rushing towards the washroom; and then back – for what – Studies of course! To battle out questions to be exact

“I overslept… How could I…
Anyhow Subject for the day – Chemistry
Target: 120 Questions – 1 hour
Timer Set
Ready..Set…Go!”

And then the poor notebook of mine… Going through all the pains as structures of weird, poisonous and dangerous chemicals were drawn through. My mind, immersed in solving the questions – we and only we do know how ‘unscientifically’ did we reason them out.

Time’s up!
I feel the sun on the horizon.
Time to check the answers…
” aadc…aadc; bbdb…bbdc.
Oh no! c… How! Why! I was sure that it was b!
Anyhow -1 instead of 3. 4 marks gone. Continue checking”

“191 out of 360…
Not enough!
Anyways…
What’s the time now… 6:45…
Mom! Breakfast!!”

Had the breakfast – get ready – and rush…
“Why do they have a rule for 70% attendance?
Else I would have more time solve questions.
What the crap!”

In the school…
Lecture going on
Me – on the first bench – solving questions of a test paper – not related to the class in anyway.
Now there arise two questions
First – How dare I do so?
Answer – Special privilege of being the ‘brightest’ in class. I don’t know how did they decide it. I was not the topper.. was the second rank holder (that damn girl – how much could she study?). Anyways, I did have the permissions for an open betrayal of the class.

Second – Why did I?
Answer – Because everyone did so. After all we were a bunch of more than 1 million students struggling for less than 4 thousand seats. We were preparing for IIT-JEE. The competition: immense; the craze: boundless…

Return from the school – 2:30 PM
Take a bath, have a lunch – and then off to coaching – The Factory to produce studious stupid Human Machines so that they can be dumped into an engineering college.

In the van, taking us to the coaching centre, we had the moments where we gossiped with our friends. Topics of discussion – how many questions did one solve for the day; were there any good question banks available; or what are our odds of being selected in the exam.

Then we reached the coaching centres. The place where they claimed to ‘teach’ us science; they taught us how to solve questions. The system was too mechanical…

9:00 PM – Back to home – Dinner – Study again (but this time with heavy eyelids).
And as the clock struck 11 o’ clock. My eyelids gave up for the day.

———————————————————————————————————————-

Those were the days of a blind struggle. Aims in life were: Solve questions till the last breath; learn less – only to the extent required to solve questions. No problems if you score less in an exam if you can ensure that others too score less. Those were the days of competition… to crush others and strive forward…

Such is the life of a typical class XII student of science in India. The funny part is they don’t understand what they are doing. And FYI, the ‘Science’ students here do no science… What they do is ‘Engineering Preparation’ in official language and ‘Moving in a flock of sheep’ in the actual sense.

What they do is not my choice, but by force. The society forces you to do what you are doing. Here engineering is the default branch of study if you choose science and maths during schooling. If you enroll in a ‘science’ course in the college, it is implied that you did not get an engineering seat…

And today as I sit in a science college writing this stuff up, you must be thinking, what happened next. The battle way long and twists to the story remain. But those I save for another day.

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